Thilbo Bagginshield One Shots and Beyond
by Fidelis Scriptor
Summary: From modern day to the Lonely Mountain, these one shots range like nothing before! All the while, our favorite dwarf and hobbit find themselves in each others arms...and in some rather odd circumstances. Thilbo! Some Nori, some Dwalin. NOW COMPLETE. STORIES MAY BE CONTINUED ON REQUEST.
1. Gaming with a few Phobias

**Author's Note: **So...I haven't really had much inspiration for RC and hopefully that will change soon, but until then, please hold on for me my lovely readers. This is going to be a bunch of one shots, probably no longer than a thousand words and I hope you enjoy!

WARNING: Intolerance, homophobia, and just regular cussing.

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><p>"Did you know that Dwalin has a boyfriend? Of all fucking things! He's a poncy boy! Dwalin!" said Narir, too busy messing with his controller to really pay attention to the noncommittal hum Thorin game over his headset. They were focusing on playing the latest shooting game available on Xbox live and had been playing for the last two hours.<p>

"Ori's a nice person. Have you met him?" Thorin said calmly.

Narir made a disgusted face, even if he knew that Thorin couldn't see it. "Hell no! Why would I want to meet that queer? It's already bad enough with Bofur and Nori sucking face half the time we all hang out, but now this? Couldn't Dwalin just stick it in some random girl instead of in some guy's ass? The dude's built like a fucking tank and he's dating a _librarian_? Talk about low standards. Or maybe he just pities the guy; he's probably just his boy toy or something."

"You don't think you're being a homophobe?"

"Why should I?"

"It's 2014, for one. Don't you think you should know better than to judge love?"

"That's not love! That's fucking gross!"

Silence filled Narir's headset and for a moment, he thought that Thorin had disconnected. "Yo, Oak, you still there? Hey! What's the matter with you! That was me not one of the enemies, you idiot!"

"Look, Narir, I knew you were a douchebag but I didn't know you were this much of one," Thorin said angrily.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"That 'boy toy' is someone that Dwalin loves. Besides, he's probably gotten more tail in the last six months than you have in the last two years. You should also stay away from me and my friends from now on."

"What, are you a queer lover?" Narir snarled into the headset, trying to take out Thorin's character in the game as revenge for the embarrassment of his words.

"I happen to be one," Thorin said simply as he disconnected the game, leaving Narir in a stunned silence.

"You didn't have to do that."

"I did. He was a fucking asshole," Thorin replied.

Wrapped in his arms, Bilbo hummed noncommittally as he snuggles further into his boyfriend's chest. "Does this mean you're going to be complaining about Bombur beating you in that game from now on?"

Thorin snorted as he kissed Bilbo's curls. "Please. I can beat Bombur any day."

"Yet to this day you haven't," Bilbo said, smiling brilliantly at the mock glare Thorin sent him. "You know, we can always play our own game if you're up to it."

Thorin smirked devilishly and said, "Oh, I'm always up to it."


	2. Peace, Love, and a Motorcycle

**Author's Note: **Another one! Now, this is a modern AU and quite sugary sweet. Enjoy!

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><p>"Grandpa Bilbo, can you tell us about how you and Grandfather meet?" Lily asked, her large blue eyes shining brightly.<p>

"Please tell us!" pleaded Petunia.

Sighing happily, Bilbo continued to rock in his chair. Looking down at the wide eyed faces of his granddaughters, he smiled and said, "Well, if you really want to know. Where is Frodo, now?"

"Daddy is out in the garden tryin' to show Grandfather the roses."

"Well, your Grandfather doesn't have much love for roses. Now, tulips is another thing. But that's a secret, okay?" Bilbo whispered to the girls, who nodded and giggled. He continued to rock in the chair, pondering for a moment before he finally relents to the girls pleas. "Oh, alright, you two can stop whining now. I will gladly tell you all about how I met Thorin."

"Yay!"

Laughing, Bilbo moved a gray curl out of his forehead, his finger brushing the braid that Thorin kept putting in his hair repeatedly. "Well, now, it all started in the year 1964. It was the middle of July, during the protest of the war. I was quite the hippee, you know. Even had long hair...if that didn't make Lobelia cringe, the moccasins might of done it...quite the shade of blue if I do say so myself..."

"Grandpa Bilbo!"

"Oh, right, yes. Well, you see it was getting pretty heated, the tension between us protesters and the police. My mother -you girls remember your Granny Bella, right?- was in a right twist over the war. Well, finally the police and told us that we had to leave or they were going to have to remove us by force. I had quite a temper back then, girls and after a few choice words, the police officer tried to arrest me."

"You were arrested!" Lily exclaimed, her eyes growing impossibly wide.

"No! No, I wasn't arrested! You see, I managed to get away and began running from the police. It was a few blocks away from where we had been protesting that I saw a man on a motorcycle reading a newspaper. It was the loveliest motorcycle I had ever laid my eyes on, a Harley Davidson I believe it was. A blue of the night sky, with silver etching all over! Quite lovely-er, anyway as soon as I saw the bike, I immediately jumped on the back of it and screamed for the man to drive.

"And, boy did he! He floored it so hard, my purple glasses flew off and I haven't seen them since. Quite the tragedy actually...anyhow, after driving around like madmen for several hours, the man finally stopped and I got off of the bike. Took me a good moment to regain feeling back in my legs after that ride. The driver asked me, 'Would you like to tell me what that was for?' I calmly said, 'Peace. What else?' The man laughed and handed me a card. On it was his phone number and we've been together ever since."

"Aww," the girls sighed happily.

"There's more to that tale. I'm pretty sure we have a few more years now," came a voice from the doorway.

Turning, the girls squealed at the sight of their grandfather Thorin standing there. Running into his stretched out arms, Lily began to tug on his white and gray beard, playing with the beads in it. ("Don't play with those, sweetheart! They are a tradition you shall have when you are older.") Petunia just combed her fingers through Thorin's pepper locks.

Smiling over at Bilbo, Thorin caught the tired expression on his husband's face and sent him a concerned look. Waving off his concern, Bilbo just said, "Yes the tale has more years, but the girls asked for when we met."

"It didn't go quite as you said."

"I improvised for respectability's sake."

Thorin rolled his eyes, not wincing when Petunia pulled his hair. "Yeah, respectability my-"

"Thorin."

"Sorry. I forget simple things these days."

"Girls!" Frodo called, coming into the room. He pushed the spectacles up his nose and smiled at his daughters and his adad. "It's time for dinner. Mae has the food ready and she wants you two to go help with setting up."

Groaning, the girls climbed off of Thorin and scurried out of the room. Turning back to his parents, Frodo smiled and said, "Are you guys ready to eat? Mae made your favorite dessert."

"Peach cobbler?" Bilbo perked up.

"Yes, papa." Frodo turned and headed back to the kitchen to help his wife.

Bilbo rocked a bit in his chair, smiling softly. He glanced at Thorin who was standing against the wall looking at him. "We raised him well didn't we?"

"Yes, we did." Noticing his husband's struggle to get out of the rocking chair, Thorin smiled and walked over to help him out of the chair. Holding his hand, they walked down the hallway and stopped right before entering the dining room.

Turning to Bilbo, Thorin stroked his wrinkled cheek with his own weathered hand. Smiling softly, he said, "I'm glad you were protesting that day."

"I wonder if I would have changed my mind if I had known it was Dwalin I was punching in the face."

"Probably not. I do hope you left that part out when telling the girls the story."

"Of course. Now come along, Mr. Durin. I'm pretty sure your daughter-in-law's peach cobbler is delicious."


	3. What Would You Do?

**Author's Note: ** Now, I'm not sure when I'll post the last-I mean the next chapter of Red Coat, but we'll see. I hope you guys enjoy this little one shot based on a scenario I was watching from the American show _What Would You Do?_ and I just have been watching it nonstop. I hope you guys like and comment. Enjoy!

**Author's note #2: **I don't know much about the military so everything here is just guesswork really. My twin cousins are in Iraq right now, so communication is really limited and I don't know if they are getting my emails. But I'm gonna post this anyway.

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><p>"I hope you're not going back anytime soon," Bilbo said over the phone as he switched baby Frodo to his left hip as he stirred the pot of pumpkin soup. The black-haired baby babbled and giggled as he stuck his hand in his mouth, earning a coo from his father.<p>

"I'm not. This time it's for good," Thorin said over the static. He was in Iraq right now, as he had been for the last month. Though the army had been a part of his life for the last 15 years of his life, Thorin was more than ready to leave the army and join his lover in their two-story house with their son Frodo. He missed the picturesque town of Erebor, and more than that he missed his family and friends.

"That's what you said last time, Thorin. You almost missed Fili's high school graduation and we both know that Dis would have killed you if she hadn't been so emotional." Bilbo set Frodo down in his high chair, cooing at the baby as he handed him the silver plaited rattle that Thorin had _insisted _on. Really, the man would have gotten him a solid gold crib if Bilbo hadn't intervened.

"She still tore me a new one," Thorin grumbled. He was pulling on his boots when Dwalin entered, griping about the new trainees. He tuned it out, knowing it was a daily thing of his friend to do and that he really didn't mean it. Or at least he thought he didn't. He wasn't going to dwell on Dwalin's rants unless they were about his news from his husband Ori.

"I'm not going to say that you didn't deserve that because you-Frodo don't throw that on the floor! You're just as bad as Kili!"

"Everything okay?" Thorin said as he picked up his M16. He halted his steps as they were leaving the tent where one of Thorin's pals, Bofur, was recovering from a gunshot.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll call you after I give Frodo a bath," Bilbo replied distantly, focusing on making sure the soup didn't burn and Frodo didn't throw the rattle on the floor.

"Okay, I love you Bilbo," Thorin said.

"I love you too," replied the smaller man, smiling ruefully. He couldn't wait for next week.

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><p>"So around what time is Thorin getting here?" Ori asked. He was at home with Dwalin, the burly soldier having arrived the day before.<p>

"In about ten minutes," Bilbo said as he pulled a bottle out of Frodo's diaper bag. He gave it to the whining 5-month-old before moving his stroller back and forth in a soothing motion. The bustling airport was no place for a baby, but Bilbo couldn't contain his excitement over Thorin returning and insisted to Ori that it would be fine to bring Frodo along. Now he was wishing he'd listen to his friend.

It had been so long since he had been in the arms of his lover. He remembered when Thorin had first left for the army. The former rugby captain had been only 19 at the time and Bilbo had been 16, early on his way to college to study Ancient Languages. For a year and a half, the only communication between the two had been letters before it grew to brisk calls and awkward meetings when Thorin returned. It was continued like that for seven long, agonizing years. It wasn't until Thorin had been shot in Iraq and in a coma for two weeks before he awoke to an inconsolable Bilbo confessing his love for him that everything was revealed. It had been a few tense months after that until Thorin was released from the hospital. When Thorin saw the anthropologist next, the first thing he'd done is proposed to the curly-haired man.

Bilbo smiled blissfully at the thought of Thorin's deep voice stuttering nervously as he asked him to marry him. It had taken them four years -thanks to Thorin's deployments- to finally get married and the past five years of their marriage had been blissful, even if Thorin had been deployed three more times during it. This was reportedly the last time however and Bilbo was very relieved for it. He could finally raise his son with his husband and enjoy his job translating old texts while having amazing, mind-blowing sex with Thorin. That might be the part he missed most if he was honest with himself.

Suddenly, Frodo began to shriek happily and Bilbo looked up to see the man of his dreams. Thorin, looking tired and battered with his wrist in a splint and his dust-covered dark green carry on slung over his shoulder, caught Bilbo's eye. For a minute, Bilbo's heart stopped. Then the soldier began running towards them, moving through the crowd towards the small blonde curly-haired man that was his husband and their squealing baby boy who was shaking his silver rattle.

Once Thorin was close enough, he dropped his carry-on to the floor beside Frodo's stroller and picked Bilbo up off his feet, spinning him around. Laughing through his tears, Bilbo kisses Thorin senselessly before complaining to put him down, painfully aware that people were staring. Bilbo pulled the hair tie off of Thorin's hair and relished the feeling of his fingers through the silky midnight locks. He gave his husband a watery smile as the soldier grabbed baby Frodo out of his stroller, holding him in his arms as he placed kisses all over Frodo's chubby cheeks.

"Welcome home, soldier," he whispered as Thorin pulled him in to his arms as well.

"It's good to be home," Thorin replied as he kissed Bilbo.

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><p>"Wow," Bilbo gasped, taking in big gulps of air as he tried to come down from the high of his climax.<p>

Thorin grunted as he rolled off of him and pulled the slight man against him, covering both of them with the comforter as they struggle to catch their breath. He had to admit he didn't know he had it in him to continue for so _long_ and knew that if they were still in their old apartment, he might have gotten evicted for excessive noise. When he voiced these thoughts to Bilbo, he burst into laughter.

"It's true. I think you're getting old Thorin if just once tired you," the anthropologist joked.

"I actually would agree with you if it hadn't been for the three times before that. And the time in the bathroom. And the kitchen. Plus the moment as soon as you shut the front door," Thorin added, admiring the blush on the blonde man's pale cheeks.

"Hush you," Bilbo whispered as he languidly kissed his muscular husband.

"If you still think I'm getting too old, let me prove you wrong," Thorin growled as he rolled over Bilbo. The small man squeaked before he laughed softly, doing nothing to discourage the man.

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><p>"Frodo, stop throwing your food on the floor," Bilbo admonished, even thought he knew the baby had no clue what he was saying.<p>

"He does seem to enjoy throwing his food doesn't he?" Ori said. He sipped his cup of tea slowly as he watched Bilbo try to keep Frodo clean in vain.

"He's a lot like Thorin was when he was younger, according to Dis. He would also run around the house starkers from what his mum told me."

"Has that changed much?"

Bilbo blushed and glared halfheartedly at his friend. "Not in front of the baby, Ori."

The ancient book expert laughed and shrugged. "I can't wait to have kids."

"Yes you can," Bilbo joked.

The friends laugh as their waiter came over and refilled their cups. The waiter gave them a weird look that neither Bilbo or Ori caught. He considered saying something before heading off to serve other tables.

"So when's Thorin getting here?"

"In about ten minutes. He had to go check in at the base," Bilbo said, concentrating on wiping Frodo's cheeks. He gurgled and burped before giggling and clapping his hands on his father's face.

"Is there anything I can get you two?" asked the waiter who appeared beside Ori.

"Can I have another plate of chips, please?" Bilbo asked.

"Sure," the waiter said, writing it down on his pad. "Is his mum coming as well? If so, then I can set out the utensils for her."

"Um, no," Bilbo said, not paying attention to the waiter as he wiped Frodo's mouth. "But his father will be here in a few moments and he'll want a cup of tea with no sugar and the daily special. That's the steak with mashed potatoes, right?"

The waiter stilled and said, "His father? So, are you the sitter?"

Bilbo stared at him confused. "Um, no this is my son."

The waiter blinked and stood there with his mouth open for several moments."Wait, so you're gay?"

"I don't know what that has to do with anything, but yes."

"And you're raising a kid? Aren't you worried he's gonna be all messed up in the head?"

"What?" The curly-haired man was dumfounded.

"I mean, you don't think he needs a mother? He's gonna grow up screwed up in the head because he has two dads."

"His parents have nothing to do with our order of pancakes," Ori said, narrowing his eyes. He was angry that this waiter was attacking Bilbo like this.

Bilbo pulled Frodo out of his high chair and held him in his arms, feeling vulnerable against the man's insults. He was unused to hearing insults, always being protected from Thorin or other members of the Company -the men who were in Thorin's unit in Iraq- and he shook his head at Ori. He was no better, as Dwalin usually protected him from any rude comments just from flexing his muscles. This was unexpected and it had been a really long time since he had to defend himself in public.

"Can you please just go get us our food?" Bilbo said calmly.

"Sorry, but I just don't see why fags get to raise children. It's just disgusting that you queers are able to raise kids and screw with their minds," the waiter continued.

"What did you say?" Ori demanded. He was furious, cheeks aflame at the bluntness of the waiter's discriminatory remarks.

"Please go get our food," Bilbo repeated, his voice icy cold. He was not to allow this man to ruin his lunch with his friend.

"I'm just saying what everyone is thinking," the waiter said rudely. He motioned to the surrounding room that had fallen silent at his first exclamation and was now listening in with bated breath. Some of them were nodding in agreement and some were speaking out their approval while others just turned back to their food, clearly not interested in defended the two men.

Bilbo blushed and looked away from the curious yet judging eyes of the crowded diner. He had never felt more on display before in his life and he was beyond embarrassed. Why couldn't the waiter just leave him alone?

"You know, technically I don't have to serve you."

"Wait a minute, you're not going to serve us because he's a father and gay?" Ori asked astounded.

"I don't have to. The law give me the option. Now I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the waiter said stubbornly.

Bilbo placed his hand on Frodo's back, comforting the now crying child. The tense atmosphere was to much for the baby and he began balling, crystal like tears slipping from his large blue eyes. He whispered soft words to the baby, glaring at the waiter. "I'm not leaving. I've been coming here since I was a little boy, for God's sake! This is the first time I've ever been treated like this!"

"Just get out, you poncy boy! We're eatin'!" shouted a man. The crowd agreed and began shouting their approval.

Bilbo felt stranded and looked around the crowd helplessly. No one seemed to be on his side, and the disgusted looks from the crowd made him feel unwanted. Finally, he grabbed Frodo's diaper bag and moved to stand, only to be stopped by a hand on his shoulder. He relaxed immediately, knowing the hand just from a glance.

"Is there a problem?" growled out Thorin, glaring at the waiter.

"We have to leave."

"And why is that?"

"You're gay! And the law gives me the right to refuse you service," the waiter said.

Thorin's eyes narrowed and he squares his chest. "I have just spent the last month in Iraq defending this country, only so that my lover and son to be treated as if they're dirt. So you're telling me that we can't sit down and eat here because of what happens behind closed doors? Where's your manager?"

"Thorin, please. Let's just go," Bilbo begged, shifting Frodo in his arms. The tall man's furious gaze softened at the sight of his whimpering son before taking Frodo into his arms. Realizing others are staring at the couple, some with guilt, Thorin motioned for Bilbo and Ori to follow him.

"We'll leave. But you will lose not only our business, but the entire military base here. Unfortunately for you, I'm quite popular with them." Smirking at the waiter's horrified look, Thorin left the diner with his family and friend.

"That was horrible. How could they treat us like that?" Ori asked.

"I don't know. I mean, aren't we a family? Frodo's safer with us than with anyone else. For them to say all those things..." Bilbo motioned for Thorin to hand him Frodo and the army man reluctantly handed his son to his lover.

"Unfortunately for us, that's just how it is. But that doesn't mean I won't break their noses," Thorin said, not noticing Bilbo's half hearted glare.

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><p>"How are you doing?"<p>

"As well as you expect me to, after being called a freak and ruining my child's life," Bilbo said, emotionless, watching Frodo's sleeping form in his arms.

Thorin walked over and kissed the curly head of his husband. "You knew it existed."

"Doesn't mean I like it."

"It's everywhere. Even in the military. You don't think I didn't get looks, didn't hear the insults about you and Frodo? But that doesn't mean I'll let anyone touch a hair on you."

"Yeah, I know." Bilbo lay Frodo in his crib and watched as Thorin laid his blanket onto him and turned on the baby monitor.

As they headed back to their bedroom from their son's nursery, Thorin stopped them.

"What that waiter said is something that a lot of people believe. You saw those in the diner. But that doesn't mean that I won't fight for you. I love this country, but I also love you more, Bilbo." Kissing the shorter man's lips, Thorin smirked softly and said, "They don't know what they're missing. Especially when it comes to your pies."

"You're right about that," Bilbo joked, relaxing at last before heading to bed with his lover.

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><p><strong>Author's note: <strong>Uh, hi. So, I've been gone a while. To be fair, I kinda didn't even notice the time lost. For some reason, I thought I was posting stories that I wasn't posting. But, I can promise you that Red Coat will be finish by the end of this month and I will be adding more one shots to Thilbo one shots and beyond.


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